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 Giving Thanks
Enjoying Those Holiday Gifts? Don’t Forget to Show Your Appreciation. Sharon Paskoff’s son’s Bar Mitzvah was full of food, fun and plenty of gifts. But it turned out that planning the event wasn’t as big a challenge as what would soon follow. While her 13-year-old son saw a pile of presents, she saw 125 thank you notes that needed to be written. At Paskoff’s urging, her son began the process of thanking his gracious guests and gift-givers with handwritten notes. “They were awful,” Paskoff said. “He couldn’t think of what to say. I would give him an opening line and a closing line. So basically he wrote them and they got out the door and people knew that their gifts were received and appreciated but I can’t really say they were lovely notes.” Assuming her son wasn’t the only kid (and adult) out there who needed a thank you note tutorial, Paskoff set out to write a book on the subject. The result was “Easy Eloquence: Sample Thank You Notes and Sympathy Cards for Every Occasion” (Random House, 2007). It’s the perfect solution for thank you note writer’s block. “In this book there are about 15 thank you notes for Bar/Bat Mitzvah and confirmation and graduation,” she said. Let’s say your daughter is not sure how to thank someone for an iPod, there’s an example. Confused about how to show your appreciation for plain old money? There’s an example for that, too. “Someone could just copy that verbatim,” Paskoff suggested. In the book Paskoff explains that it really is the thought that counts. And that thought — no matter how unusable, ill-suited or tacky — deserves a note of appreciation. Appreciation Avoidance It seems that thank you notes have gone the way of the paperboy. Sure, we see them sometimes, but not very often. And when we do receive a note of gratitude, it often reads like the person dreaded the very act of putting pen to paper: “Thanks for the gift. I will use it a lot.” They’re dry, form-like and rarely from the heart. But is it really so hard to let someone know that you appreciate their thoughtfulness? Paskoff believes that most people have good intentions; they just procrastinate to the point where it becomes too late. “You get a gift and you mean to write the note and you forget or you put it off and you happen to run into that person,” she said. “I think the biggest mistake is not writing the note.” And it’s not just new brides and recent grads with heaps of gifts that have trouble. “I think even if they have to write one it’s a task. It’s sort of like every month you sit at your desk to pay bills and it’s kinda like you’d rather do anything else. I think thank you notes fall into that same category,” Paskoff said. So why not send an e-mail detailing your gratitude, you might ask. It’s faster, more efficient and it gets the same points across. But your little handwritten thank you note, the thing you see as such as chore, means more than you may think. “There’s a completely different experience when you go to the mailbox and see something that’s not a bill in a beautiful envelope. You open it up, you read it, you re-read it, you almost savor it,” Paskoff said. “E-mail just isn’t personal. The handwritten note, in this day and age, is a way for people to stand out, to really put a personal touch on the way you live.” Thank You Dos and Don’ts When drafting the appropriate message of thanks, Paskoff says people want to know that you received the gift, that you appreciate the gift and, if they attended an event in your honor, that you enjoyed seeing them. “A lot of people see a blank piece of paper and they kind of panic and they don’t know what to say,” Paskoff said. “The beauty of thank you notes is they can be very short. They can be four or five lines.” The short-and-sweet message should be sincere, using words you’re comfortable using (no need to sound like a thesaurus) and mentioning the name of the gift. “If someone gives you a toaster oven you need to say toaster oven,” she said. Then you should tell them how you’re going to use it. For instance, if someone gives you a Mr. Coffee, Paskoff said you could say, “I’ll think of you with the first cup of coffee every morning.” “A lot of people see a blank piece of paper and they kind of panic and they don’t know what to say. The beauty of thank you notes is they can be very short. They can be four or five lines.” Sometimes — and oftentimes much to your delight — you receive money or a gift card as a gift. In this situation Paskoff said you should tell the giver what you’re going to do with it, such as “Thank you for your generous check; we are going to put it in our savings because we’re saving for a down payment for a house.” Then, of course, there’s the timing issue. And if you’ve been living by the “I have up to one year to send a thank you note” rule, well, you’re probably not receiving a whole lot of gifts. “Most thank you notes need to be written within 10 days,” Paskoff said. However, she does offer exceptions for new brides or new moms who have 125 to write: “I would say you have about a three-month grace period.” Business Thank Yous Writing thank you notes to friends and family is about social graces, good etiquette and nice manners. But writing thank you notes to a boss, client or potential employer is about your career. Mercedes Alfaro, the founder of First Impression Management, Inc., a company specializing in business etiquette and professional development training, said, “There’s nothing more gracious than to receive a handwritten note; you can’t go wrong.” She said you should ask yourself what kind of impression you want to make. Business situations where a thank you note would be appropriate include an interview, a lunch, receiving a gift from a colleague or getting invited to a colleague’s house for dinner, Alfero said. But the job interview is the big one. Some candidates struggle with whether or not to send a note. They wonder if sending a handwritten note would take too long and if e-mail is too impersonal. Alfero has the solution: “Follow it up immediately with an e-mail and then follow [that] up with a handwritten note. You get that immediate feedback and then you receive the reinforcement.” You might think it’s not necessary to send a handwritten note since it’s hardly done anymore. But Alfero said you might use that to your advantage. “In business we’re always in competition with somebody else so we want to [make] a good first impression and then leave them with a lasting [one],” she said. And even in business, the length of the note can still be short. “Two paragraphs, maybe two sentences each. Nothing more is expected,” Alfero said. She said to write the note on nice stationery and be careful not to misspell any words. Concerned that your sloppy grammar skills might ruin one too many pages of your fancy stationery? Alfero said to first type your note in Word. “You know how sometimes you start to write and then you scratch it off?” she said. “It’s easy when you’re using a Word document. You can cut and paste. I even save some of my introductions so I can use them over and over again.” Helping Kids Say Thanks When it comes to encouraging kids to write thank you notes, don’t teach guilt. Instead of forcing a child to write a thank you to his aunt because “she looked all over to find exactly what you wanted and deserves a thank you,” lead by example. If children see you writing your notes and you point out why you’re writing the notes, they’ll catch on. “Lots of times with my kids, whenever we did a teacher gift, those teachers always sent thank you notes. That was like a role model for them in addition to myself and my husband,” Paskoff said. “They need to learn gratitude just like they need to learn science and math. Just the process of writing a note will help them focus on the kindness of others. It really is a lasting connection between friends and family.” But what about when kids are too young to write? “I don’t believe in writing the note and signing the child’s name,” Paskoff said. Instead, parents should just write it from their own perspective, have the child draw a picture or just send a photo from the birthday party and say, “Thank you for the Easy-Bake Oven.” Paskoff said, “That can be as informal as it can possibly be in my opinion. When the child knows how to write, in first grade, they can write two lines in their sweet little handwriting. You can even get them darling stationery that has their name on it.” Saying thanks goes a long way. Writing thanks goes even further. “People are always trying to live a gracious life,” Paskoff said. “And a thank you note is really a personal touch.” PN Thank You Note Examples Still not quite sure how to show your appreciation? Here are some examples you can copy (or borrow) right out of Sharon Paskoff’s book, “Easy Eloquence: Sample Thank You Notes and Sympathy Cards for Every Occasion.” Don’t forget to include the date in the top right hand corner. “Easy Eloquence” retails for $12.95 and can be purchased at major bookstores, gift stores and Amazon.com. General Gifts Dear Laura, I love the spa gift set you sent for my birthday. The lavender soap, soft scented candles, and loofa mitt are the perfect combination for relaxing in the bath. I plan on spoiling myself every day. Thank you for thinking of me with such a lovely gift and helping me celebrate my birthday. All the best, Weddings Dear Mr. and Mrs. Whitefield, Thank you for the place setting of Lenox china. We are looking forward to using it for our family Mother’s Day brunch. Your lovely present will enhance the beauty of our table, and Ben and I will enjoy it and think of you on many occasions. You were so thoughtful to send us such a beautiful wedding gift. Best regards, |
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